If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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