Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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