Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my being single is dangerous.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
