Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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