I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
