If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
