Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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