You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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