I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
