drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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