I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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