he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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