Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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