There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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