my mouth tastes like poor choices
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
