she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
