I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
