i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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