i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
