new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
