That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
