It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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