I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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