he looks like a really good dad on facebook
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
