moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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