GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
