if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
