I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
