sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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