omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
