She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
