Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
