The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
