I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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