is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize