True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
