I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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