I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I can't put those talents on a resume
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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