Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
