Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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