Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
