New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
