accomplished twins. life is a go
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
