her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
