My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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