Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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