when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
