I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
