I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
