I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
