I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
