Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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