Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
