made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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